God

When I Am Afraid: Lessons from my Daughter [Psalm 56]

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“Mama, I had another bad dream. But I didn’t want to wake you because I know how hard you work and how badly you need sleep”

This was a recent comment from one of my daughters after another hard night. I have always encouraged all of my children to come—whenever—to my bedside. But this daughter–often the one who doesn’t want to inconvenience or burden others–did not come. At first, I felt sad. I wanted her to know that no time was an inconvenience. But when she mentioned that she had prayed and fallen asleep[probably nestled underneath one of her favorite books]I knew she was OK. Two things occurred to me in that moment:

  1. I’m thankful she didn’t come to me first.
  2. Trust is a discipline.

In our world today, fear is on trend. Especially in the midst of an election season and an ever-shifting culture, one has reason to feel unsteady. There are wars and rumors of wars, floods, riots, death…Not to mention the regularly unwholesome discourse I’ve seen on social media. The world is fragile, broken and deteriorating right before our eyes. Of course there is cause for fear!

In Psalm 56:1 David cries out, Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me; my enemies trample on me all day long, for many attack me proudly.

At first glance, this sounds hopeless. David, the anointed king of Israel is on the run from a man who desires his death. He has fled to a Philistine king in hopes of finding refuge, but quickly realizes that this king knows his true identity. His only defense at this point is to fake madness, “making marks on the door and letting saliva run down his beard” 1 Samuel 21:15)

And the Philistines–usually described as an aggressive, war-mongering people–were evil. So when David speaks of being attacked and trampled by many enemies, he wasn’t exaggerating!

But the text doesn’t stop there. God, in his kindness, has given us more:

When I am afraid,I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Psalm 56:2

Immediately, there is a transition. It is as if David knows he could spiral[to use popular verbiage] so he must discipline his mind[and therefore, speech].

John MacArthur says it this way,

This psalm expresses the kind of confidence in the Lord that believers should exude when they find themselves in terrifying circumstances. David’s natural reaction was to panic(vv. 3, 4, 11). But he demonstrates in this psalm that the believer can replace potential terror with the composure of trust.

MacArthur Bible Commentary

But in verses 5-7, it’s as if David returns to the panic.

All day long they injure my cause; all their thoughts are against me for evil. They stir up strife, they lurk; they watch my steps as they have waited for my life. For their crime, will they escape? In wrath, cast down the peoples O God!

What is he saying here? He has gone from reciting truth to reflecting on his terrors; on his enemies! And what fruit has this reflection produced? Anxiety. Worry. A desire for vengeance.

In short: nothing good.

Are you tired yet? Just reading David’s struggle[quite literally] for sanity leaves me feeling weary.

Haven’t we all been here before? Haven’t we wrestled with our thoughts, circumstances and feelings until we’re absolutely listless. Until we are weary and ragged and not even sleep restores?

David doesn’t stay here, though. He recounts God’s specific goodness– that He has kept count of his tossings and tears. He remembers he isn’t isolated.

David then moves into a posture of remembering truth, and cultivating praise and thanksgiving. Herein lies this discipline of trust(vv. 10-13)–

In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. For you have delivered my soul from death, yes my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of my life.

I’m encouraged that David faced terror, too. He knew danger. He wrestled often with the threat of hunger, attacks, betrayal, mutilation, abuse, etc…sometimes to the point of death. In some seasons, David could have been tempted to live in fear. David was human, too. And there were times when he doubted the very nature of the God to whom his heart was knit.

But the Lord gave David three mercies in the midst of this suffering:

  1. His presence
  2. courage to carry on
  3. A malleable, yet disciplined heart

Number 1 is obvious, isn’t it? David is groaning before the Lord. Right at the beginning, David approaches God with questions and complaints. He has raw honesty. He is crippled with anxiety.

And David does not wallow. He recalls truth:

  • The Lord knows my suffering(v. 8)
  • The Lord will have vengeance(v. 9)
  • The Lord is for me(v. 9b)
  • I have been delivered from eternal death(v. 13)

What’s the common thread? THE LORD.

David shifts his focus. And this shift produces heart change:

  • praise(v.10)
  • trust(v.11)
  • courage (v.11)
  • thankfulness(v. 12)

Yes, I have felt fear so intense that it threatens to consume my being. But the glorious truth about scripture is it’s sufficiency. We can always go to God and to His word knowing that we will find truth and hope. And scripture so rightly informs our minds that we are not left disparaging.

So even though I was initially saddened by my daughter’s hesitance, I’m thankful she went to the Father. I’m grateful she certainly has come to me on other occasions. But the sobering truth is I won’t always be around. My prayer is that the Eternal God would be the refuge(Deut. 33:27) to which she does run.

And I pray that she trusts God and his word so desperately that she knows how to respond when the harder days come.

God’s Faithfulness in Marriage: 12 Years of Electing Love

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A few Sundays ago, we celebrated 12 years of marriage. 13 years together, but 12 of sharing life–homes, cars, jobs, children. My husband very eloquently surmised this as a milestone because, “We completed 12 years of grade school, so it’s like we’re graduating”. 🙂 How romantic!

In many ways, it was just another ordinary day. It was Sunday–the busiest for our family. Full of meetings, singing, interactions with the community God has provided here in Maine. On this day, like every other Sunday, we were awakened early by the sound of our littlest. This is a hallmark of the day for us both. Like always, everyone ended up in our queen-sized bed(which seems to be shrinking!) and I eventually slipped out to begin the day’s routine. Coffee(or tea, if you’re me), breakfast, and hurried preparation for Sunday worship. In the midst of the morning’s rush our eldest sneaked into the kitchen and whispered, Happy Anniversary, Mama. You know, my favorite part of August is watching your video. Tearfully, I hugged this one who has recently become one of our most sentimental children and tried to recall when we started what has become tradition.

It must have started back in our first year–before anyone else came along. My own Mama, knowing how bittersweet moving away from my beloved Southern roots had been, sent a big box of green peanuts. All the way from Georgia! This was(for those who may not know) for the purpose of creating one of our favorite snacks–boiled peanuts. I remember sitting back on our porch in San Diego waiting as the smell of salty water sifted through our first[tiny] real home. When they were finally finished, we relished the treat while while watching our wedding footage. It was a sweet memory for us, and is somehow now a tradition embroidered in the fabric of our family. We must have had several pounds this year, but the peanuts were gone within just a few days!

As I reflected on the day–complete with a celebratory meal, homemade cards from the kids and(of course) our special viewing party–I would not have changed anything. If you would have told me 12 years ago that we’d be here–far up in the Northeast(having survived almost 10 years of NE winters!) with four precious children[and a dog]in tow, multiple moves and jobs behind us, I may not have believed it. The sweetest part(besides the gift of the little tribe of souls we’ve been given) for me has been the growth. I realized Sunday–as I was called out of a service to change our youngest–where my husband was preaching as the pastor of our church[this was a particular highlight of the day!]– I never would have dreamed we’d be here. Not even just our geographic “here”, but all of it.

In our anniversary card, Tyler wrote the passage he has prayed over our marriage from the beginning–

 I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. 40 I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. 41 I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:39-41

It is by God’s faithfulness that this is our here. That passage in particular is speaking of God’s chosen people facing an impending judgment through exile. This was because of their own foolishness in pursuit of something that would never satisfy. They were overthrown by outside forces and obstinate; refusing the Lord’s laws and commands(which were for their very good). But the Lord promises restoration. Even amidst the pronouncement of a sure and coming judgment, the Lord repeatedly promises mercy. He assures the people through this very vulnerable prophet [Jeremiah] that peace will come.

As I considered this, I was struck by the many times we’ve failed–in marriage, life choices, parenting, etc. But God is always faithful. In His kindness, He has carefully and tenderly preserved our lives over these last 12 years. And we have nothing on which to stand except His very character. It has not been through any merit of our own, or even any of our most meager efforts. It is all by the sovereign hand of His might and will. This is exactly what the passage speaks of–the Israelites were not chosen because any good existed within them. In fact, it was the exact opposite. They had rebelled wickedly and decidedly. But they were chosen. And God–in His divine affection-promised to: focus their hearts to fear Him, produce a harvest of righteousness for generations, to love them covenantally, and to continue doing them good[forever], that they would be rooted in faithfulness.

I had always read that as–the Lord will make his people faithful. And I don’t think that is entirely wrong. But there was a little whisper of human merit in that belief. It now seems to me that it is only always the faithfulness of God in which we are rooted. He continually pursues, provides and protects–keeping us ever in step with His Spirit(Deut. 31:8, Psalm 145:20).

And so, as we sat there rejoicing over the last 12 years, I couldn’t feel anything but weepy. Because I fail miserably more often than not. I am impatient, selfish and grumpy[particularly in the evenings]. I am a melancholy, overly-sensitive and critical jerk sometimes, but the God of the Universe chose me. I couldn’t tell you why, honestly.Except for the merciful doctrine of election. And as we stumble along together for many, many, many[I pray!] more decades together I am grateful to cling[however feebly] to his “mighty and outstretched arm” (Deut. 26:8).

Soli Deo Gloria

God from the beginning chose His people; when the unnavigated ether was yet unfanned by the wing of a single angel, when space was shoreless, or else unborn, when universal silence reigned, and not a voice or whisper shocked the solemnity of silence, when there was no being, and no motion, no time, and naught but God Himself, alone in His eternity. Charles Spurgeon

If I Had Stayed[Lessons from Vermont]

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A little over three years ago, our family moved from Rhode Island to Central Vermont. A job had opened up there for my husband, and we were thrilled at the opportunity he’d have to finish graduate school while also working full-time. Yes, it would be challenging. Yes, the days may be long. But it was the right move for us. The only problem is that we had to move in the span of 3 months. This meant tying up loose-ends where we were[with holidays thrown in amidst that] and then driving to a bitterly cold Vermont right in the beginning of the new year. I’m not sure I was prepared for exactly how cold it would be. I figured my frail Southern form had adjusted to the snow in Rhode Island, so this transition wouldn’t be hard at all…right?

But then the first snow fell. And it kept falling. For an entire day. And there was mud all over the floors of my new house. Plus it was an icy tundra!And the movers hit our mailbox because of the ice. It was dark and the snow stayed for…months. As a mama of two children under the age of 4, I was shocked and also felt taken hostage. We were stuck inside indefinitely(or at least, it felt that way)!

How would they expend energy everyday? How would my introverted heart find time to be alone when my husband was in quite possibly the busiest season of his life?!

I remember joking with a friend before our transition that I felt burned out socially and could cope for our season in VT without deep relationships. That would be 3 years. In hindsight, that’s a long time. But then friendship seemed like too much of an investment. We would simply survive and focus on family time.

Before we moved, my husband and I had the opportunity to connect with a local pastor and his wife. We figured we would seek to be faithful church members, but we wouldn’t have much bandwidth to have many deep friendships. Or at least, I didn’t. Plus, I was somewhat embittered by the cold. This was such a rural, frigid place. It seemed unlike anywhere I had ever been.A far cry from my very favorite residence–Southern California! I wondered why we had come in the first place. And if you had asked me, I probably would’ve told you that I hated it.

I actually remember thinking, “I wish we had stayed”.

redeemingmundance.com

For the course of those first few months, I remember feeling lonelier than I had ever been. We’d had deep friendships in Rhode Island, a church we loved and a house that seemed idyllic. But here we were, in dark, cold, icy Vermont.

And so, on that first Sunday when we made the half-hour drive to what would become our home-church—the “light in the valley” as it is so aptly named— I was grouchy. We walked in, and I tearfully recounted how I didn’t know anyone and we were out in the middle of nowhere. With snow-covered mountains and mud everwhere. These people had been here for years—most of them their entire lives. And I was this random outsider who clearly didn’t look at all like anyone else.

It felt hopeless.

I should stop here and say that I started this blog months ago. Even now as I am writing this, I feel differently. Where I once wrote that I’m not sure what changed I can now admit that I know exactly what changed. And it wasn’t me. I had resolved–or rather, the Lord reminded me– that the only way I might survive this wintry season of heart and weather was to press in. He is so kind to deal graciously with us in the midst of our stubborn sinfulness.

In my sinful stupor, the Lord reminded me to press in by His very example to join our uncomfortable, foreign, messy and cold world.

Redeeming the Mundane

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature[a] God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:6-8

The following week, still cold-but humbled–I was carting my 4 and 1 year-olds to a mommy’s group. And then to a small group with their dad. Over the course of the next few months, we began to learn their lives, we shared meals together, wept together, prayed together, laughed and sang together…

Before I knew it, three years had passed. This girl who had once said she never imagined staying in such a rural place ended up finding joy in the middle of such a challenging transition. We added two more littles to the gang. We planted gardens, hiked rivers, watched Daddy catching fish, explored markets—carefully saving trinkets and savoring local faire. We found a little bit of sweetness in every simple day. We endured the present contentedly and [by God’s goodness] learned to love where we had been transplanted.

We learned afresh to cherish [and prioritize] the local body of believers–the Church. And we humbly watched as these beloved friends regularly ministered to our little clan—whether it was through time together, time in God’s Word, sharing a meal[or a creemee on a breezy summer afternoon], or all of the little in-between oddities that make up living.

When faced with the opportunity to move elsewhere, we knew it was God’s will, but our hearts were saddened to think of leaving. This is never something I imagined admitting. And on our last day to worship alongside these precious saints, I looked on tearfully as we shared one final meal, prayed corporately and watched our children play–blissfully unaware of the impending change.

Standing in my new house all those years ago watching my daughters scale the packing paper mound, I never could’ve guessed how God would provide. But that’s the way it always goes, isn’t it?

Redeeming the Mundane

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21

I could recall countless stories of how God faithfully provided during our time there(neighbors who became some of our dearest friends, a homeschool community and afterward play dates where deep friendships were nurtured, shared holidays, snow days with friends.etc…). But for the sake of time and brevity, I’ll just say…

There is so much profound joy that I would not have known if I had stayed in Rhode Island…

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Safety

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I am the one who very rarely finishes a thought in one breath. I am chronically late, disorganized, and directionally challenged(you could ask my eldest). I can be impatient, stubborn and sometimes terribly grumpy when my expectations aren’t met. For these reasons and many more, I would tell you that I am a most imperfect mother.

But our tiny ones don’t see those things, do they? Or—if they do— they’re easily forgotten in an instant. These precious treasures we’ve been given are[more often than not] typically the biggest grace-givers of us all.

The latest [and greatest, in their regard] game to our littles is Tag. I’m sure you know it; someone is named the Tag-ger who runs around wildly trying to capture the other players(who then, in turn, must somehow find their way to base—usually someone or some place named by the group). Our girls have taken to plowing passionately into one[or both] of my legs yelling, “Mama is the safe place”! Admittedly, I laughed when I heard it.

I must have been relieved to know that–in spite of my many failings–they trust me. They’re secure in my embrace. Yes, I’m their “Mama”. And yes, I do pray that they always feel such safety; that they know my unconditional love.

But what do I want more than anything else? What do I pray they believe down to their bones? The unwavering, unending, sacrificial love of Christ. It is this love that calls(Ephesians 1:4-5, Jer. 31:3), calms(Psalm 131:2), sets apart(Psalm 89:31-34) and sends out(Eph. 5:1-2)–peaceably and purposefully that we might magnify His goodness. I want them to be compelled by this love on dreary days(2 Corinthians 5:14) and to be captivated by it in seasons seasons lacking fervor. I want them to remember that–because of the very faithfulness of God in Christ–they are always[no matter what] held and pursued(Isaiah 54:10).

As I thoughtfully considered their words on the playground, I was reminded of my own need to recall my safety in this love. I may not be the ideal mama in my own mind, but I pray that even in that my precious ones see the grace and goodness of God.

Marvelous it is, that One so infinitely above us, so inconceivably glorious, so ineffably holy, should not only notice such worms of the earth, but also set His heart upon them, give His Son for them, send His Spirit to indwell them, and so bear with all their imperfections and waywardness as never to remove His loving-kindness from them

Arthur Pink