parenthood

When I Am Afraid: Lessons from my Daughter [Psalm 56]

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“Mama, I had another bad dream. But I didn’t want to wake you because I know how hard you work and how badly you need sleep”

This was a recent comment from one of my daughters after another hard night. I have always encouraged all of my children to come—whenever—to my bedside. But this daughter–often the one who doesn’t want to inconvenience or burden others–did not come. At first, I felt sad. I wanted her to know that no time was an inconvenience. But when she mentioned that she had prayed and fallen asleep[probably nestled underneath one of her favorite books]I knew she was OK. Two things occurred to me in that moment:

  1. I’m thankful she didn’t come to me first.
  2. Trust is a discipline.

In our world today, fear is on trend. Especially in the midst of an election season and an ever-shifting culture, one has reason to feel unsteady. There are wars and rumors of wars, floods, riots, death…Not to mention the regularly unwholesome discourse I’ve seen on social media. The world is fragile, broken and deteriorating right before our eyes. Of course there is cause for fear!

In Psalm 56:1 David cries out, Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me; my enemies trample on me all day long, for many attack me proudly.

At first glance, this sounds hopeless. David, the anointed king of Israel is on the run from a man who desires his death. He has fled to a Philistine king in hopes of finding refuge, but quickly realizes that this king knows his true identity. His only defense at this point is to fake madness, “making marks on the door and letting saliva run down his beard” 1 Samuel 21:15)

And the Philistines–usually described as an aggressive, war-mongering people–were evil. So when David speaks of being attacked and trampled by many enemies, he wasn’t exaggerating!

But the text doesn’t stop there. God, in his kindness, has given us more:

When I am afraid,I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Psalm 56:2

Immediately, there is a transition. It is as if David knows he could spiral[to use popular verbiage] so he must discipline his mind[and therefore, speech].

John MacArthur says it this way,

This psalm expresses the kind of confidence in the Lord that believers should exude when they find themselves in terrifying circumstances. David’s natural reaction was to panic(vv. 3, 4, 11). But he demonstrates in this psalm that the believer can replace potential terror with the composure of trust.

MacArthur Bible Commentary

But in verses 5-7, it’s as if David returns to the panic.

All day long they injure my cause; all their thoughts are against me for evil. They stir up strife, they lurk; they watch my steps as they have waited for my life. For their crime, will they escape? In wrath, cast down the peoples O God!

What is he saying here? He has gone from reciting truth to reflecting on his terrors; on his enemies! And what fruit has this reflection produced? Anxiety. Worry. A desire for vengeance.

In short: nothing good.

Are you tired yet? Just reading David’s struggle[quite literally] for sanity leaves me feeling weary.

Haven’t we all been here before? Haven’t we wrestled with our thoughts, circumstances and feelings until we’re absolutely listless. Until we are weary and ragged and not even sleep restores?

David doesn’t stay here, though. He recounts God’s specific goodness– that He has kept count of his tossings and tears. He remembers he isn’t isolated.

David then moves into a posture of remembering truth, and cultivating praise and thanksgiving. Herein lies this discipline of trust(vv. 10-13)–

In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. For you have delivered my soul from death, yes my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of my life.

I’m encouraged that David faced terror, too. He knew danger. He wrestled often with the threat of hunger, attacks, betrayal, mutilation, abuse, etc…sometimes to the point of death. In some seasons, David could have been tempted to live in fear. David was human, too. And there were times when he doubted the very nature of the God to whom his heart was knit.

But the Lord gave David three mercies in the midst of this suffering:

  1. His presence
  2. courage to carry on
  3. A malleable, yet disciplined heart

Number 1 is obvious, isn’t it? David is groaning before the Lord. Right at the beginning, David approaches God with questions and complaints. He has raw honesty. He is crippled with anxiety.

And David does not wallow. He recalls truth:

  • The Lord knows my suffering(v. 8)
  • The Lord will have vengeance(v. 9)
  • The Lord is for me(v. 9b)
  • I have been delivered from eternal death(v. 13)

What’s the common thread? THE LORD.

David shifts his focus. And this shift produces heart change:

  • praise(v.10)
  • trust(v.11)
  • courage (v.11)
  • thankfulness(v. 12)

Yes, I have felt fear so intense that it threatens to consume my being. But the glorious truth about scripture is it’s sufficiency. We can always go to God and to His word knowing that we will find truth and hope. And scripture so rightly informs our minds that we are not left disparaging.

So even though I was initially saddened by my daughter’s hesitance, I’m thankful she went to the Father. I’m grateful she certainly has come to me on other occasions. But the sobering truth is I won’t always be around. My prayer is that the Eternal God would be the refuge(Deut. 33:27) to which she does run.

And I pray that she trusts God and his word so desperately that she knows how to respond when the harder days come.

What They Really Need

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There’s a popular reel floating around on the internet with the caption , To you it’s just another ordinary day, but to them it’s their whole childhood.

At first glance, I agreed. After all, shouldn’t we seek to fill these moments with vibrant, creative splashes in an attempt to transform our everyday ordinary into extraordinary. The particular video I watched featured a perfectly polished mama making muffins with her tiny daughter(who somehow emerged from the kitchen unscathed!). I saw another one boasting the same sentiment featuring a little boy enamored by a new sensory bin carefully curated by his parents. The scenarios were enchanting, and [if I’m honest] a bit intimidating[read: guilt-inducing].Immediately I mentally inventoried all of our educational items and started to plan my own sensory experiences for the kids and our magical days. This wasn’t a bad thing. I’m not degrading the heart behind the message. It seems–at least to me– that these mamas are encouraging us all to stop and consider the brevity of each day with our precious ones. And it is true:what seems like a day full of chores and neverending parenting to us is their childhood. And of course I want my children to reflect on these formative years and remember the good. BUT a familiar call echoed in my mind as I considered this. In the midst of my pressing urgency to create a counterfeit magic for the kids, I remembered what was most impactful in my own foundational years. It wasn’t a perfect experience or day. It was all of the moments in between–hearing my mama’s voice permeate the house in her very ordinary task of washing dishes. Walking in to the inviting aroma of my dad’s food steaming from the kitchen after a draining rehearsal. Reluctantly accepting my mama’s embrace in the confusion of my teenage years because , “physical touch is important”. Watching through the window as my dad–weary from a long day’s work–whistled to the tune of the lawn mower. Drifting drowsily asleep to the sound of my parents sharing another silly story–laughing together in the living room after what must have been another full ministry day. I can vividly remember these moments, for these were the ones that filled our days. And I’m sure that there were magical moments, too. In fact, I know there were(this is why we make those photo albums, right?!)! But my most treasured times were the ones when life was just happening for all of us. It wasn’t always picturesque(and let’s be honest–social media isn’t an authentic portrayal of life anyway), and it wasn’t always comfortable. There were probably days when the call to shepherd my little soul seemed a challenge insurmountable. I probably did help my mama in the kitchen, and I guarantee I caused more chaos than calm(because baking with littles is MESSY)! And I’m sure that both of my parents strived to curate beautiful experiences to incite wonder and cultivate curiosity, but the most meaningful moments existed when I got to observe obedience in the lives of my parents.

They weren’t living to give me the perfect childhood. Instead, they were seeking to live for the glory of God. Loving me was a part of that, certainly. But it was only part of the whole.

redeemingmundane

I was not the center of their world then just as my children do not consume mine now. At the heartbeat of everything they did was the glory of Christ. This steadfast mindset pervaded our home and punctuated every thought. That ensured that even our most discouraging days were not without hope. If we bickered, there was reconciliation. If we faced hardship, there was a call to endure. If we failed(each other or in life) there was still peace.Even in our messiest moments, my parents could rest in light of God’s Gospel promises(and they were careful to instruct us in those promises, too). They would admit that it was imperfect(and no one can boast otherwise), but to me it was a stunning testament to God’s mercy and grace.

My children don’t need a tidy home, a perfect day adventuring or even a special shared experience with me as much as they need to be pointed to the Faithful God who created them. Of course, there is nothing wrong with enjoying fun-filled days or basking in the flow of a peaceful, engaging day. But let us not forget that in our hard, ugly moments(when your family’s rhythm is just off and the days feel long)–our Father remains the same.The beauty is there, too. He is just as pleased with us in the mundane moments as He is in our ambition to enliven other days. It is not because of us, but rather because of who He is(2 Tim. 2:13, Numbers 23:19,etc)

I’m so thankful for parents who modeled that in my beginnings(and still do now). It is good and right that we live every day to the glory of God(and sometimes that might mean your sensory boxes are ON POINT)! But on the other days, when you wrestle with feeling insufficient, rest in the freedom of living to this chief end:

We do not segment our lives, giving some time to God, some to our business or schooling, while keeping parts to ourselves. The idea is to live all of our lives in the presence of God, under the authority of God, and for the honor and glory of God. That is what the Christian life is all about.” – RC Sproul

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”
― John Newton

8 He will also keep you firm to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. - 1 Corinthians 1:8-9
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The End of All Things

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Recently, I was asked if we plan to homeschool long-term. A dear friend was wondering if I had considered the future and what home education might look like in the middle-teenage years.

My honest answer was that I don’t know. I prayerfully reassess every year, based on each individual child, the needs of our family, time, schedules, my emotional capacity, etc. And so every year I move remembering the Lord’s “precious and very great promises”(2 Peter 1:3) to me in His word, and soldier on—whatever the choice may be. And every year, we laugh, cry, and grow—in every way.

My personality makes no allowances(in my flesh) for risks. I do not like them; I would rather know the outcome. So choosing to educate my children has always been in faith. And God, in His mercy, brings fruit(1 Corinthians 3:6-8).

I am certainly no homeschool only advocate. I have learned[through my own errors] that projecting your convictions on others can be detrimental relationally. But I am an advocate for living out biblical conviction, and I recognize that it manifests differently based on circumstances/seasons/family ideals/location/etc. I could count the ways I’ve been enriched through our journey, but I think that says less about our personal choice and speaks more to the faithfulness of a Sovereign God(Col. 1)

Over the last year, in our journey with one of the children, I had become discouraged regarding progress. I wondered(as I often do) if this child was excelling or “on track”. This stems from my toxic trait of falling into a comparison “trap” with others.

But this morning, over family devotions at the breakfast table, I was reminded of the end of all things. We had just read aloud the words of David in Psalm 37, and my instructions were to pick a verse that stood out. I laughed internally thinking no one heard or understood a word I said. But then that same child for whom I have labored in prayer and concern to the Lord, jolted out of her seat and began pacing around the room, clearly mid-hunt. I waited and watched, then inquired gently,

How can I help?

Paper. Was all I heard. I need paper.

I gathered the materials she needed[pens, and scissors, too] and observed.

Of course her paper was shielded as she tuned out the chaos of morning breakfast and wrote with fierce concentration.

When she finished moments later, I gazed upon her work.

It was a slip of paper, cut out with the words:


I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken

It wasn’t textbook “perfect”. But in the midst of a very loud, distracting moment, these words enlightened her heart. She wanted to hang them up so we could memorize them over the week and look at them every day.

I couldn’t help but consider Peter’s words:

“The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaint. As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the multifaceted grace of God. Whoever speaks is to do so as one who is speaking actual words of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4‬:‭7‬-‭11‬ ‭NASB2020‬‬

My prayer for all of my children is that they might grow in the love and knowledge of the Lord. That they might serve wholeheartedly, living in light of the Gospel of grace.

Because the end of all things is not academic excellence[though I know that is important in its context and should not be ignored].

The end of all things is knowing Christ.

Peter wrote these words at the end of a life marked by steadfast[though imperfect] service to the Father. He had known betrayal(of his own accord and by the disloyalty of others), physical and emotional suffering, and imprisonment. He knew his end was near. And appropriately, some of his final words to the dear believers in exile included a charge to endure to the end. A

And admittedly—beneath all of my anxieties and fearful wonderings—that is my prayer. I desperately desire that my girl—and all of my little ones—will endure faithfully in the end and to the end[when God-willing, they will run into the arms of the One for whom they’ve struggled tearfully and faithfully all along].

I routinely doubt myself-as a wife, mama, educator, counselor, etc. This is particularly felt in the realm of home education. Most days I feel very ill-equipped. And I do wonder if what we’ve chosen in faith is right or best.

But that’s just it, isn’t it?

Whatever we choose, we do it in faith. We do it trusting the perfect provision of our Lord(Phil. 4:19), remembering those precious treasures in scripture we’ve clung tightly to for so long. We do it because the Unchanging, mighty God holds us fast. We do it because we know that at the end of all things to live faithfully for the glory of God and by His grace is our best expression of worship. He has given us His very son, and so at the very least, we must surrender every mundane moment. We can choose to see Him in it in gratitude and in worship.

| S E R V A N T |

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I haven’t said much about our time in Maine here because these last two weeks have been busy! Our days are filled with unpacking, picnic playdates at the park, exploring our neighborhood, etc. Of course my sweet littles are processing still—which sometimes looks like bickering, outbursts of tears, silly moods, needing more “mommy time” or anything in between. We have tried to shepherd their hearts tenderly(with the help of so many precious new friends and MUCH prayer) but some days I’m tired!

This last week a new friend recommended “couch time” every morning. It’s where we sing, read(about cultures, poets, authors), recite and learn. It is simply a time to sit together in stillness and absorb before we dive into the chaos of the day.

This past week we’ve discussed Philippians 2 and the idea of serving like Jesus. We’ve made a game of yelling, “servant alert” every time we see(which delights our littles to no end)!

Today—when my middle girl and I had to miss corporate worship because our sweet boy has a cold, we were disappointed. I was here at the house with three under 4 who sorrowfully watched their big sis walk to the church(which is right across our backyard) with tearful eyes.

Throughout the morning I took the opportunity to catch up on housework. It’s sometimes easier for me to busy myself if I’m feeling particularly down. I tried hard to keep things lighthearted in the midst of missing fellowship. But my middle must’ve known, because she stayed in her room boasting of “surprises” and “don’t come in, Mommy”! I figured maybe she was creating a new look with her dress-up clothes ☺️

But…

as she led me to her room—eyes bright and shimmering— I couldn’t believe what I saw. We stood there together as she whispered, “I cleaned it, Mama”.
And no, it’s not perfect. But it’s her best. As I verbally took in every detail, she beamed.

Mamas, the Lord knows our hearts. He knows our deepest needs and desires. In the weary moments when I’m wondering if any effort I make will bear fruit, the Lord graciously bears me up with the promise that nothing done in His name is in vain.

1 Thessalonians 15:58

Welcome to December 2021

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This year I wondered if our annual “Welcome to December” brunch would even happen. I was 1 week postpartum and very deprived of sleep.

But I couldn’t let the first week of the month pass without ringing in the season! So…we opted for an afternoon tea party instead.

Thankfully, my sweet mom was still here to help! Instead of breakfast cinnamon rolls, I rolled triangled crescents in sweetened cream cheese and chocolate chips. We made a Christmas tree out of our delicious concoction and the kids inhaled it!

Dusted with powdered sugar [read: snow] of course!

Coupled with hot chocolate in our favorite Christmas tree pitcher, a pair of matching fleece pajamas(with an additional matching set for their dolls)—it was a sweet time together.

While the kids munched on goodies, I read two of my favorite Christmas books.

This year’s picks were…

The Spirit of Christmas has beautifully illustrated the wonder of the season. Nancy Tillman has written several of my favorites, and she has such an artful way of capturing whimsy while also pointing back to its Creator. The girls loved this one.

The Crippled Lamb is a spin on the original Christmas narrative. Children are invited to follow the journey of a lamb named Joshua who isn’t the most beloved in the herd(due to his disability) but ultimately realizes what a blessing he can be, just the way God made him! This one provides a great opportunity to talk about how differences from God are good because He intended them that way! It’s a sweet reminder that everyone is “Gods workmanship, created in Christ to do good works which God prepared in advance that they should do”!

Of course we ended our time talking about the reason for the season—Jesus! We discussed how this entire month is a birthday party for Him! That everything we do—hanging lights, decorations, giving gifts, etc—is in celebration of the Incarnation!

Happy Christmas, friends 🎄

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In This Job

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I often forget that this is the dream. In those long, awkward teen years, when I wondered if a boy would ever notice me, this is the man I prayed for.

And on the hectic, stifling college days when my dorm suite kitchen squeezed me in, this was the house I imagined.

It was enough for me to dream, to hope—to pray—that this would be my one day.

Of course those days were tearfully joyful and sorrowful with every emotion mixed in-between. It is not lost on me that the days of my youth were a sweet symbol of a season that will never again be.

But this life…this was the beginning of forever. It was my impossible prayer, my pipe dream; the dream within the dream.

So why then does my heart so easily forget?

And once again, Jeremiah’s warning that the heart is deceitful cautions my wayward heart…

They won’t be little forever, reminds my husband lovingly. And while he is right, sometimes—lately especially—this heart forgets. I become enraptured with other seemingly lofty thoughts—or even new dreams that have skewed my perspective. The caveat here is, naturally, that dreams aren’t necessarily destructive. But my placement of these dreams is.

This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God’s way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness.

Elisabeth Elliot

For me, this is the job. I could pursue more if God allowed but for this season, I am home. If I’m being honest, some days I wrestle with the calling. Of course I have career goals, and my days don’t always feel the most stimulating, but they are good because their Author is. And even when I’m feeling the moments are wasted [which is a lie permeating my thoughts all too often] there is so much joy in this quiet life. All of the sweaty kisses, carefully curated dress up shows, nighttime rocking rituals coupled with hymns and laughter, foraging adventures, tree excursions and every moment in between and thereafter. For now—for always—instead of a forgetful [read: discontented] spirit I can choose gratitude.

It is here, and not somewhere else, that I may learn faithfulness.

Oh Father, may my fickle heart ever treasure the beauty of these sacred, fleeting moments!

Wordless Wednesday

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THIS. IS. SIX! Another highlight from May was celebrating this girl!

I cannot believe that our eldest girl is 6 years old. I marvel daily at God’s grace-upon-grace in these moments of motherhood. It is all moving far too quickly.

Sweet Rosebud, you have smiled[literally] since day 1! I cannot believe that our biggest girl is 6 years old. I’m so grateful for your brave, kind and thoughtful heart. You’re my helper—the one who delights in anticipating the needs of others and rises to meet them. Your creative, colorful mind brightens our world and keeps us laughing. Thank you for loving us all so well. Your love for Jesus shines through your desire to love specifically and urgently. Thank you for being quick to extend grace to your parents as we’re learning to navigate parenthood. We’re so humbled to be entrusted with such a big heart. We love you dearly. Praying you will always know God’s goodness and rest in His faithfulness. Happy Birthday, precious girl! This is 6! 💜